How to Get Over a Failed Relationship
Written by Anthony Parkes on Ex-Girlfriends - Follow him on Twitter.
Relationships fail most of the time. I’ve had my lot of failed relationships. It hurts. A lot. I’d like to share with you a couple of key points that helped me get through the feeling of failure.
Before we get into how to overcome failed relationships, it’s important to understand how the feeling of failure affects you. When you feel you’ve failed, you’re in a cage, and locking the door yourself. There are two main obstacles that failure confronts you to:
- A blow to your self-esteem.
- Remorse.
To learn how to confront these, you must identify what went wrong. You can only heel from something if you know what messed up, otherwise you’ll never get back on your feet. Forge the key to open the cage door. Did you do something that you regret now? What went wrong? Was there any way you and your partner could have saved your relationship? Or is it your partner’s fault?
My Story
I knew a girl called Melanie. We had been together for three months. Everyhting was perfect, just like it should be – I loved her and she loved me. We spent huge amounts of time together, but we soon got caught into routine. Tension rose, we tried to soothe our aching relationship but fights always started over little things – like me forgetting to call her for example. We ended up (as you might have guessed) breaking up – our relationship was gangrenous.
After that, it felt like going down to hell for two months. I hated myself for not having been able to sustain the relationship, not being good enough for it, not having made more efforts, and the list goes on. Moving on from a failed relationship is hard. I had never been in such a situation before, what did I know about heeling from a torn relationship?
Once I managed to get over it, I wrote a list of the 5 elements that helped me move on. Here they are:
1. You Have Not Failed
It took me a while to realize that failure doesn’t exist. Life is a path with obstacles: ocasionally, you bump into one, and it knocks you out. But at every obstacle you meet, you learn something. Your knowledge helps you to avoid future obstacles. You become a better person. Take a pen and paper and try making a list of what your failed relationship taught you. You are blessed with incredible knowledge, and that makes you an even stronger man :).
2. You Have Nothing to Regret
Your relationship had its good times and its bad times. You should accept it as it’s face value. Be thankful for what it was. You lived it fully. That’s what’s important. Remember, but don’t regret.
3. Relativize
Feeling down is just like being blind. You’re lost. You’ve got nothing to lean on, you’re falling. Try relativizing. Your relationship wasn’t the be all and end all of your life. Their will be plenty of others, so get ready for them!
4. Time Heals Everything
You’ll be back on your feet in no time. Time is a balm that will palliate your feeling of failure. The important thing is how you use the time you have. It’s O.K. to spend the first couple of days at home crying all of your body’s tears, but the key to get over something is (this is obvious) moving on. So move on! Get a grip on yourself! This takes us to our final point…
5. Deal with the Pain
I know, words are pretty. The above elements are the core message you should be trying to adopt, but here are eleven more practical formulas to help you recover:
- Spend time with your friends and family.
- Never stay alone.
- Treat yourself, do something you love.
- Dedicate yourself to your passion or find one.
- Write: start a diary, or write down every single thought that you get for 15 minutes as an activity – that’s relieving.
- Don’t keep your story to yourself, talk about it openly and freely. Hold nothing back. Add a comment here if you feel like sharing.
- Make new encounters, build new relationships. We tend to close ourselves from others when we think we’ve failed.
- Focus on making others happy, it’ll boost your self-esteem.
- Start a project – any project. Give yourself an objective to reach.
- Do crazy stuff. It makes you laugh and totally frees you!
- Don’t be too harsh with yourself.
Over to You
A failed relationship confronts you to remorse and is a major blow to your self-esteem. The good thing is, you never feel down too long, and your failed relationship gives you an opportunity to live a better life. A failed relationship is densely value-packed :).
Guys, share your stories. If you need support or would like to contribute tips that helped you get over a failed relationship, please do.
Edit: There’s a great article on ThinkSimpleNow.com that can help you immensely: How to Get Over Breakups. You may also want to read How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend from JustKeepTheChange.com.
Images by confusedvision.
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My girlfriend of 2 years dumped me a month ago. I’m not doing so well. All I can remember are the good times we had together and holding her close. We were entirely too dependent upon each other for happiness, but I can’t help wondering what could have been had we been more secure and independent. One of the worst parts about it is I pushed her away exactly the same way I had done with my previous long-term girlfriend, so I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. I really hope I learn my lesson this time, as I can’t handle pushing away a woman I love again. I think I’m in the 4th stage (depression) although occasionally I still foolishly hold hope for us in the future. I hope I can get over her soon and move on.
My BF and i were very close since 2007, wel be 2 years this aug 09. we always have goodtimes together. We are inseparable. I was his first Gf and he never associate with other girls. Jan 09 i gave him a pass to hang out with others to gain more friends, but it turn out to be a big scandal when he let himself drunk/make up with a girl from the same company. He admitted his mistakes and chose me, but im already very hurt, and even if i still love him, i cannot anymore forget that he cheated on me. I feel very depressed and cannot manage to eat properly. I know i have to move on, painful but i have to.
Two years would hold a lot of memories. Its tough facing such situations. But I guess you answered yourself. You seem to know whats causing the woman you love go away. Its never too late to start learning.
For her to comeback is, in my view, a little unlikely. Even if she do you do have to be careful how you treat her. If you do love her immensely then let her lose she’d always love you back.(If she feels the same)
I’m also a sufferer in a similar way so I genuinely feel that taking some time off would surely help you. You may even learn something or better, you’d find that moving on is not that hard and neither its the end of the world.
Hope this is of some use.
Tim,
Thank you for having the guts to share your story!
I think the most important (and hardest) thing to do is to stop thinking about her so much!
I know, easy to say, very hard to do. Try being as active as you possibly can – don’t let your whole life fall behind!
Also, start meeting new women today. This is very important and has helped me a great deal when I was in the “depression” phase.
I hope you’ll move on without too much additional suffering. I identify with you so much!
Good luck, and feel free to contact me if you need help or support :)
Anthony
Thanks, Anthony. We’ll see how the club goes tonight (woot woot!)
I think the most important tip in this article is that bit about talking and expressing your feelings in order to get over the relationship. With your close friends and family, let them know exactly what’s going on, exactly how you feel. Talk about it until YOU are sick of the subject. You will feel better once you’ve said what’s on your mind, even if it always seems to be the same thing.
Scott,
You are right about telling your story and expressing your feelings. Personally, that’s what’s helped me the most on getting over exes, along with time.
I see too many guys who shut themselves out when they get dumped or their relationships fail, and was one of those myself until I realized it was the only way of getting “out” of it.
Thank you for the great comment,
Anthony
my bf cheated on me several times but i still managed to forgive him again and again. so as we continue with the relationship he still having an affair with claire and several times again i caught him calling and texting her. i still forgive him though in my heart the trust is starting to fade away. i was always in doubt with he’s doing so i find ways to know if he still have an affair with that woman so i opened hi yahoo messenger and i even chatted with his friend but he got mad and took it against me ..from then on he didnt want to talked to me and said he needed space and eventually lead to break up..i was devastated coz he never gave me chance to explain..thats the only mistake i did but i forgive him several times but wiht my only mistake he never forgive me and broke up with me …
I agree with @TMo, both partners have to be respected for a relationship to blossom. Always remember, a relationship is two-sided.
I believe that if your partner cheats on you, it’s time for you to let go… People often mistake what they want and what their heart wants. So even if your partner cheats and then begs you to take him/her back, I wouldn’t.
It hurts like hell in the short term, but in the long run, trust me, you’re way better off.
Good luck loren!
Anthony
@loren:
No offense, but your ex sounds like a douchebag! Don’t let guys walk all over you like a doormat, you deserve much better than that.
A year ago I began a relationship with what seemed like a wonderful man. I am well educated and so is he and we found many things we had in common. I knew that we would be going through a “honeymoon phase” and that there would come a time when we would either choose to continue or break it off. I told him of this phenomenon and he agreed about the existence of it. As the relationship progressed to the next stage I began to see that we were incompatible on several levels, communicated this to my partner hoping that we might be able to discuss it and either put it out of the way or part amicably. He accused me of saying that he was a bad person and that my views were “one dimensional”. Shortly after that I agreed to move to his town to be closer to him even after seeing a fairly dangerous pattern develop of his many past relationships that failed for similar reasons. On one of those preparatory moving days he had a sudden and verbally violent outburst and I took off. I was in a new town with no transportation but I walked. He caught up with me (I was very emotionally upset and suffer from asthma so as a result I was sitting on a bench as far away from the scene as I could get.) He apologized to some degree but maintained that the outburst was my fault for provoking/bad timing. I allowed this to continue for several months and very near the end I was shocked and devastated by a revelation of differing morals. He believed that it was fine to forcibly remove a criminal’s memory of the past as long as there was a chance of rehabilitation. Even if there was no choice to rehabilitate another way or prior warning. This along with the constant criticism and violent verbal outbursts was severely impacting my patience and as a result I was very near a breakdown without knowing it. When I finally did admit to myself that he was verbally and emotionally abusive, I presented him the evidence and asked that we both go to counseling. He advised me that he would evaluate himself and he had no need for a professional opinion. I told him that I believed hat not even a qualified psychiatrist was able to diagnose themselves and he said that my line of thinking was flawed because I was not as well educated as he. The following day we both reported to a mutual appointment and after the appointment he broke up with me. He was not clear about the term break up saying that we should go into counseling but that the romantic aspect of our relationship was out. The following week after the counseling when the lines of communication opened up again he said that “this really isn’t going to work” and broke up entirely. In the meantime I tried everything I could to make him aware that I wanted to try to work toward a relationship that worked. Unfortunately it did not work and I moved to another state upon his announcement that he had no hope or interest in continuing a relationship although he was vehement about wanting to continue a friendship. Today, only three months after the relationship ended he has begun a relationship with yet another woman and is already professing undying love to her after exactly three weeks of knowing her. The pattern I had suspected early on in our relationship had proven to be true. A fact I’m not at all comfortable with. I discovered this completely by accident when I sent him a birthday card and he responded to me, thinking it was her that he was writing to.
Although I would like to say that this doesn’t affect me, it certainly does. I wish I had the time I spent with him back and I wish that the awful heartache would go away. I think I could deal with a simple heartache of a relationship that didn’t work but the feeling of being used and emotionally raped will haunt me for some time.
The mistakes I made of feeling so sure at the start will not be made again EVER and I will considerably less trusting when I am ready to date again. This is unfortunate for the man who may date me next and I hope will find someone who is patient and understanding when I am ready to begin again.
Wow, long comment for a terrible story. There are some guys who, like your ex-boyfriend, weave a gauze of charm, magic, excitement, which are all illusions. Only when you’re so far in do you realize the mistake you’ve made, because no one can hide for ever, not even Prince Charming.
I know it hurts like hell, we’ve all been there. The key is to deal with the pain and realize that failure does not exist. You can detect fake guys easier now, put aside charm or beauty and maybe see the real man inside, not the man he wants you to see.
I can only hope you soothe your heartache soon, and move on quickly. You deserve better than this.
Good luck,
Anthony
Our Story
I’ve known ‘Somy’ from my 4th std. we had strong memories of our childhood.
Now cut to 2007,
She calls me after 7yrs of gap,both being in two diff cities. It started off as a normal conversation. But slowly after a month, we started connecting together. though we never rushed but we did use to speak occasionally(twice a week). Even our talks were mostly into hobbies,books etc etc.
After 4 months,
We were still talking as friends, we never met.We both treated each other with immense respect. Soon due to parental pressure she was to leave to her home in a month.
She would at times tell me how gently and respectfully i treat women.(she came to know from one of our common friend that I always assisted elderly(esp older women) with respect.)
That last month we were getting close even more. 3 days before her departure she asked me to call her I did we had a normal conversation but towards the end of it I kissed her goodbye on phone.we didn’t say anything,in reply, she cried heavily.
7th month
She surprisingly came to my city to join a reputed research org. so after 30 days of talks, we both knew that we love each other. we met after a month even though we were living 1/2 an hr far.
9th month
Both being from diff religion,we knew we cant take this forward so the affair was non-committed.both knew about it.But in a month we decided we’re gonna be together in future.
The next 3 months were pure romance.we made our plans for future.but Soon she was called by her parents to get married.Somy’s family being catholic christian,she couldn’t take this matter to her parents fearing desertion.me being Hindu, but neither me nor my family can have any prob to love-marriage.
The next two months were emotionally draining,she was even on verge of committing suicide but somehow i saved her at the last moment. she was brought-up in believing that love marriage is strictly against family tradition.if she chooses me then she would’ve to leave her family forever. so she gave in after few attempts. she couldn’t stand the test and I didn’t pressure her as she’s emotionally weak.
After 1yr of togetherness I bid her goodbye in the most respectful way possible(she was still in the city).
after 2 months something happened and the marriage was stopped. So we both decided that lets have our last time together. we called it “6 months in paradise”.
We lived every moment of it. we slept together,we laughed we did everything,she used to stay at my place for a day or two every week..this April the ‘paradise’ ended as it was time for her to go home.
So on April 5 after 2 yrs,we parted. emotionally bloated,but still we laughed till the very end. she would be getting married in 2 weeks,I wished her well. We’re not gonna speak anymore. its good that way. I do wish her well but of course i miss her too. but I’ll learn. as she would too. Life goes on.
Mr. Vain (you are not vain, no one is),
This is an extremely powerful story. Sometimes, family ties and traditions are stronger than any emotion.
I find your story tragic, and I believe two people who love each other as much as you did should never be parted because of family. Parents’ role is to support and accept the decisions made by their children. No one has the right to choose your future for you.
I think you will see Somy again, the emotional bond between you two is huge. Such a wedding, like the one she’ll be having, is in my opinon vowed for failure.
I also think there is sadly not much you can do about it. She is the one who should confront her family, but as she is emotionally weak, it is likely she will not do it.
Your story symbolizes for me the perfect example of impossible love, just like in Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliette or Chateaubriand’s Atala.
I have to admit I do not know what I would do if I were in your position, but again who am I to project myself in it? One part of me would die to live with her and the other die to live without her, as it would make her so sad.
People should never have to choose between family and passion. They are two separate things.
If you need any help, support, or would like to have a conversation, I beg you to send me an email. I would be honored to help.
With prodigious respect,
Anthony
hello,im a girl but loved the way you described how to get over someone.
i am a 31 years old female who is physically very attractive and also i am intelligent too.like to read,love childrens and most of all i have a very good heart but unfortunately all of my relashionships have been really bad!!
its been really hard on me trying so hard to understand people,be honest and good to them but still there is always something goes wrong……its a pitty!!!!
i have been very depressed helpless.wanted to share something here.
thank you.
Hi Armis, if you’re in the DC area, I’ll take you out for a drink :-) that is, if you like younger guys (25).
Armis,
I got your comment in my email ID. I’m sure you must be addressing to Anthony. Well I’m too in a sort of mess as you can read from my “long” post. So I hope things works out for you. Speak to Anthony, I’m sure he’ll help you by giving his own views for your problem.
Have patience.
thanks
Anthony,
Sorry to drop in like this…but I did mail you 4 times. I didn’t get any reply. You must’ve been busy. Hope to be in touch.
Hi.
I was engaged & we have now broken up..its been 3months since. We have a son together who is 10months. We have been comunicating about the boy & has came once in the past 3months to see him. last Sunday we had a fight via sms… He called me all sorts of names..even went as far as That is why I will always be second best…I guess he ment to him. I have never been so HURT in my life. I tried to make things work for the Boy but after all those statements I want NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM as he is always trying to hurt me.
I am done and I am Fed up with him always hurting me. He honestly does not want to be part of his childs life & the sooner I accept that the Better. I have told him to stay away from us & I will do like wise. Since then he has been begging for me not to shut him out. How do I heal myself. I have no family & I am a single parent alone with my boy. How do I forget about Him…How do I find Happiness with myself. How do I stop myself from feeling my heart ache so badly…Someone help me…
Hello Nonto,
This is a very sad story, I’m sad to hear it… If you really want to heal the first step would be to implement no-contact: that means deleting his number, texts, not answering to phone calls, deleting him from facebook/myspace/msn. Every single thing that reminds you of him must be thrown away.
I would suggest you find a new activity/passion. Focus on your son maybe, write your feelings down… shoot me an email if you need any more help.
Anthony
Hi,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 months about a week ago. She called me at about 3:30 in the morning and told me she was no longer in love with me and she couldn’t deal with it anymore. It’s been a week, and while I know five months isn’t so long compared to many other people, I’m in really bad shape right now. I’ve read many of your articles, but I wanted to know if I could shoot you an email and tell you my story and what happened. I’m not exactly comfortable with letting everyone know my issues.
The contact page doesn’t seem to be working (for me at least), so I’m not sure how to contact you exactly. Please reply to this comment.
Hey there Zach. I empathize, I really do. A similar thing once happened to me, if you know what I mean ;)
I’d be honored to help you, be sure to shoot me an email. The contact page is now up!
Take care. Things will get better, I promise.
Anthony
How do you stop thinking and dewelling on it? It’s been eight weeks. We have had no communication but it’s all I think about. And truly, it was him not me. And I shouldn’t have stayed with him as long as I did. But I was truly committed to the relationship and working on it. Two years is a large investment.
Hey Susan, go out with your girlies and have some fun! I’m sure you’ve lost touch/drifted away from some of them through the course of your relationship (I always do this). After my 2 year thing fell to bits, I went out a lot with friends for the following couple months; it really helped me out by showing what fun I’d been missing out on and how many others there are out there :-)
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years and I can’t believe how much it hurts. The problem is that I had no real reason to break up with him, I love him and we were very happy. The only thing is that I felt on some levels we were different, although we both knew this in the relationship and accepted it and loved each other. I have taken a huge gamble here, in the hope that I will find someone who is perfect for me on every level. It is terrifying as I am scared I will never find love like him again. I am 21 and sometimes felt I was settling, but I think I am too young to settle and even if not then I did not want to live the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I had had the guts to do it. There would never have been any real reason to break up, we respected and loved each other and would never have cheated. I worry about him and feel guilty and I hope he can forgive me and we can be friends one day. At the moment I am trying to let him go. It was a very intense relationship and I think I became too dependent on him to make me happy. But he is such a wonderful, loving, intelligent man, and was a perfect boyfriend that I am finding it hard to let him go and worry that I am not doing the right thing.
my girlfriend just left me for another guy a few days ago. But after reading this list, i think i will be ok. If you dont look forward to the rest of your life then whats the point? i did the whole sad/ crying thing where i cant eat or sleep. all i did was mope around.
But today i feel 100% better! I think for me, the worst part was she left me for someone else. and she was cheating on me. OH and… she had this guy call ME and tell me that they are dating.. and she was telling me that everything was fine and we will end up together.
she is the most evil thing that god ever made. she makes the devil look like the tooth fairy lol! But this site had a lot to help with getting over her. of coarse i still think about her, but when i do u just block it and and try and think about what i should do tomarrow, or next week. im planning the rest of my new life! 5 years is tooo long to love someone who fells like they can just walk all over u… the only regret i have is not leaving HER sooner!
I am greiving the loss of a seven year relationship. The worse part is that there is a child involved which makes it a whole lot worse. My Ex GF was talking to some douchebag at her job behind my back. I found out one night when her phone had a few unopened messages and an alert rung that I noticed. Mind you, this was all during Thanksgiving. When I read the message it said, “After you are done with your night out, come over to my place and sleep with me. I will leave my door open for you.” When I confronted her about it she gave me the classic “You haven’t been paying any attention to me lately” line. I apologized for not given her the attention that she felt she needed. All I asked for was better communication between us, that all! I found out that on Christmas Day and New Years Day the first person she initiated contact with was the other dude, after she promised me that she did not even speak to him. I felt betrayed and flipped out. She still insists that there is nothing going on between them but what I don’t understand is how she could initiate contact with the person with whom she undermined our relationship with. I took it as a huge slap in the face. We argued although I tried my best to avoid getting to that point. She decided to break it off between us. She now says. “I just need my space to be alone for a while”. She assures me that she is not looking for another relationship during this break but I am human and we humans have needs (Sexual). If all she says is true and I still end up moving on I think I will go crazy, because there is nothing that I want more than have my daughter grow up in a home with both her parents. Sounds “Fairytale-ish” I know. I have been trying very hard to move on with my life, but every time I gather the strength to move forward, I crumble when I see her and my little girl. I don’t know what to do or how to go about moving forward….I really need help! Thanks to all who offer their help. Ladies, if you read this, please be honest and let me know what the hell is going on in her head and what I should do!!
I am a 28 yo. boy. One of my first relationships (that was not serious at all) was back in 97 or so. It only lasted 2 weeks. In 2000, i moved 6000 kms away to a different province where i still reside. This past summer i took some vacations and went back to see some family and some friends, including her. We hooked up for about 2 weeks and fell in love. Once my vacation was over, i flew back home and life got back to normal, except that i was filled with sadness. It was like i experienced a breakup after a very long relationship. I had REALLY fell in love with this girl .. again! But for good this time. Thanks to the internet, we had kept in touch and we talked on the phone often as well. I spoke to her openly about how i felt, and how sad i was since i had come back. To my big surprise, she decided to travel the 6000 kms to come live with me, and see if it could possibly work out between us. I was more than happy, i thought this was gonna be IT! We were simply meant to be together. She got a decent job once she got here. I took very good care of her, we had nothing but great moments together. We were happy. Three months past, and she got a little home sick. She missed her family a lot and had to go see them. She jumped on the plane and went back for 2 weeks. When she came back to me, she had been inspired by couples, and friends and it was all clear in her head that we were happy together and that she wanted to carry on with our relationship. Unfortunately that did not last very long. She started missing her family again, and started questionning herself about being involved at this stage of her life. She kept telling me i was good to her (and i was). She was really attracted to me, and still is. (physically and mentally). But she strongly believes that she is not ready to be in a relationship. She ended up moving back home, after 6 months of being together. We keep in touch, the whole breakup makes me really sad. I barely eat now, dont sleep well, feel empty inside, feel left behind. I cry, often, i am also very sensitive to everything around me. I shed a tear watching a sad movie, or talking about something sad. I am at one point in my life where i know what i want and need. It’s all clear to me that i could spend the rest of my life with this girl. And i find it too bad that our timming is just not good, that where she is in her life does not include being in a stable relationship. Since we did not break up due to the fact the we were not compatible, is it OK to think we might find each other again? I cant seem to be able to be happy if i dont think we’ll be together again. I am giving her all the time she needs, all the space she needs. I love her, truly and i think we were perfect together.
It feels really good to share that stuff with whoever will read this, i guess i am just asking for opinions. It is a funny situation that i have never lived before. I have been through a few breakups. I once was with another girl for 7 years, but she ended up leaving me for another guy. At least in that relationship i was not left hanging. I knew it was over for good, so i moved on. It was certainly not easy but i did it.
So the bottom line is that we did not really have any good reasons to breakup, we were great together, she has always loved me, i always loved her. I think (and hope) she simply got scared of getting involved in a serious relationship and that now she needs some time to step back and think about the whole thing. Thanks for taking the time for reading me. I would appreciate any opinions from readers.
Thanks Anthony for your time and respect. I would wish to speak to you as there’s hardly anyone who can give unbiased advise.
So I’ll surely message you.Its hard traveling in this path.
Thanks
mr vain